THE PHOENIX

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Dear Adoring Publick,

V.K.'s Candy Kitchen, the TRUE ORIGINAL and ONLY LEGITIMATE Candy Shop and Soda Fountain at 5 Stowe Street in Waterbury, Vt has hacked The Phoenix's system (those fellows are poseurs and vagabonds if you ask me) and will be running a Ping Pong Speakeasy most (but not all) Friday nights 9pm-Midnight and Sundays 12pm-6pm, starting on Sunday, July 23rd. For those disillusioned fools who think Prohibition has somehow been repealed, by "Speakeasy" we simply mean "secret" and NOT "hidden bar revealed behind a wall on a swivel like in the motion pictures." So to be clear, we won't be serving alcohol--Ping Pong is for all ages mind you--but you'll have full access to purchase Root Beer, Root Beer Floats and Maple Lemonade from the Soda Fountain, canned Liquid Death flavored seltzer and tea, and lots of candy options at the Candy Counter.

So shhhhhhh don't tell anyone. But if you do, make sure they know that booking is by the hour, which is why you'll be charged $10 for paddle rental, balls and unlimited games (it is $20 for 4 people playing doubles). Credit cards and all forms of payment are accepted, but you must book in advance. No showing up unannounced and expecting to be given a code for the door. Ain't happening. And don't get any wild ideas, V.K. will be on hand supervising these games, so you won't have the gallery all to yourselves. Who do you think I am, some fly-by-night charlatan? Methinks not.

Only want to play a few games and don't want to stay for the full hour? Well, you dimwitted Sherlock(s), maybe share your door code with pals who can come finish your booked hour for ya. However, your door code will expire when your hour is up. And you can only play using the table assigned to you--other people DO exist in this world and may be booking that "empty" table as we speak, you damnable fool.

INSTRUCTIONS and RULES (these are not a joke so for reals please follow these):

1) Upon booking your hour, you will be emailed a six digit numeric entrance code for the Schlage Smart Lock on our alleyway door. The alley we're referring to is the one between The Phoenix and Blackback Pub. Enter the alleyway from Stowe Street and it is the big industrial door on your left. After you enter your code, wait for the blue check mark to illuminate before opening the door. If you try to open it before the blue check comes on, you won't be able to get in. Please close the door solidly behind you and pull it toward you to make sure it closes all the way.

2) Only two people per table per one hour booking (or 4 people per table playing doubles per one hour booking). With your booking you'll get: two (2) paddles (four for doubles), four balls, and one reserved table. The soda fountain and candy shop will be open to sell you Rookies Root Beer, Root Beer Floats, Maple Lemonade and candy from our candy counter.

3) This is an art gallery with works on the walls that artists put a lot of themselves (and their career) into, so please RESPECT THE ART. Translation: no Evil Knievel crazy dives that slam your body (or paddle) against the wall like a goon.

4) Follow the golden rule of "Don't Be An A-hole." This is an all ages space so watch the language if there are kiddos in the space and keep the environment respectful and fun-loving. If you're angry you got slammed on, maybe pour that anger into practicing more instead of throwing your paddle or pitching a fit like a whittle baby. Buck up, you only get better by playing against people better than you, ya know.

5) After your booked hour is up, please make like a tree and leaf (leave). There are other Ping Pong players coming for THEIR hour so don't be a hoser and hog the table beyond your time.